As I sit here in the ER waiting room (for what feels like the 1000th time), a few things have come to my mind.
I always wondered how warriors in the movies were able to keep fighting even after a stab to the chest or stomach. "They're bleeding! How can they go on!?"
But, here I am with a chronic open wound below my tailbone. Just a bloody hole and yet I still keep going on.
How?
I hate being asked my pain level. Pain is subjective. I'm now used to my wound. I SHOULD be saying a 7...but I'm numb to it now. Pain is all I can remember. I feel like I'm not taken seriously when that pain is increased but I would be lying if I said it was the worst pain I've ever felt. I can't put a number on a subjective concept. My 10 might be a 4 for someone else.
It's can be frustrating how may people lack sympathy when I tell them that it's hard to sit because I have an open wound beneath my tailbone. Heaven forbid Johnny breaks his arm, though. That's REAL pain. How do I live my life and not envy the Johnny's of the world? Why isn't my illness/injury valid enough?
It's incredible what you can overcome.
Before 2006 I would tell you that the worst pain you can feel is losing a loved one
2009 I would tell you the worst pain I've ever experienced was mono. How could I ever handle more?
2011 I would tell you the worst pain I've ever experienced was neck surgery with a drain.
2016 I would tell you that the worst experience I've ever been through was having a bad reaction to antidepressants and going WAY off the rails - paranoid, shaking, hiding, screaming, jittery, restless, lost feeling in legs. Numb to life itself. Disassociation.
Toward the end of 2016 I would then argue that the worst pain I've ever been through was surgery with an open excision...followed by 9 months of a wound that wouldn't heal. Packed every day.
2017 I would argue that the worst pain I've ever been through was when my 2nd surgery became infected and formed a hematoma that eventually split and oozed infection for more than a week. Followed by getting stitches put in without any numbing agent - I felt the needle and thread with every pierce.
I would still say that's the worst pain I've been through. Every time I always asked God, "how could I ever take more?"
But I do. Something comes along that tests my strength and you roll with it.
You never know how strong you are until you're tested.
Going back to point 4, Johnny's broken arm might be the most painful thing he's ever experienced. So while it seems ridiculous to me at first, I think back to how I felt in 2005 or 2009 or 2011. That's okay. Let Johnny be in pain. Sympathize.
Meanwhile, I'll continue to take my pain as it comes and always try to remember empathy for those going through worse: cancer, MS, dementia, organ failure...
But also for the broken arms of the world.
We keep going on because it's all we can do and it's all we know how to do.
Your pain is valid.
Jess, thank you for sharing your stories. I think part of the reason that it's easier to accept pain due to a broken arm than a wound under the tailbone or emotional pain is that the broken arm is visible. I assume that your wound is not visible to most people, so it's difficult for people to understand something they haven't seen or experienced, just as it's difficult for someone to understand invisible emotional/mental pain. Especially invisible pain that come's from having a chronic illness. People like to think that things "should get better," but from what I understand, chronic illness sometimes gets better, sometimes gets a lot worse, sometimes is ok, sometimes really sucks, etc. It's not very predictable. I think you're engaging in an important dialogue. How do we make pain more visible and understandable? How do we trust when someone is in pain if we cannot see it or feel it ourselves? How does our culture need to change to validate those who feel suffering other people cannot comprehend?
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